LOS ANGELES, CA—Like many grown men his age, Jake Siegel, 32, couldn’t wait to get his hands on Ubisoft’s latest videogame, The Division. On release day, with a stack of potentially regrettable trade-in’s under his arm, he marched into his local GameStop and demanded a copy of the highly anticipated third-person shooter. Having played the Alpha and three versions of the Beta on various platforms, Siegel was looking forward to discovering the first thirty hours of the game for the fifth (and hopefully final) time. “I mean, I did have a pretty good time with the Beta. It’ll be cool to see what the actual game is like,” Siegel was quoted as saying at the time of purchase. “I dunno, though. Sort of nervous about endgame content.”

It turns out Siegel’s anxieties were not misplaced. After spending “like, no time at all” with the open-world title, what was once rapt anticipation has turned to outrage. “It’s exactly like the Beta! Sure, there are more guns and enemies and stuff, but I’m just walking down the same fucking alleyway every goddamn mission!” He screamed at reporters, a group of which had gathered on the scene within minutes of him calling a press conference in his living room. “I was expecting more, goddamnit. I paid my good, hard-earned money for this!” At the time of this statement, Siegel estimated he had spent sixty, possibly seventy hours playing the game. “Which is fucking nothing.”

After being alerted to this developing story, our team attempted to investigate the source of  Siegel’s grievances with the game. What we discovered is a set of shocking truths about an industry in decline: “I guess now developers can just take my money in exchange for an unfinished piece of crap that totally doesn’t live up to the hype,” he lamented as he deftly installed a series of weapon attachments looted from a corpse mere seconds before. “I guess this is just the world we live in,” Siegel concluded, staring into what at first we thought was the middle distance, but soon found out was a group of enemies he had spotted through the drifting snow. “ I don’t even know why I’m surprised. I mean, they couldn’t even get the game to work on release night! But what do they care? Ubisoft knows that quality fans like me are a dime a dozen.” (Sources report that servers were down for approximately 15-20 minutes in the first hour of The Division‘s midnight launch.)

When asked whether or not he would be demanding a refund for his purchase, Siegel swatted reporters away. “Will you guys fuck off? I’m in the Dark Zone. This shit is stressful enough!” Siegel was referring to an area in the game where players fight one another. “Hold on, I’m trying to figure out if this guy’s gonna kill me. Hold on,” he sighed, eyes locked on his televison. As he watched a helicopter carry his Dark Zone “loot” over the horizon during what’s known by players as an “extraction,” Siegel pumped his fist aggressively in the air and high-fived several reporters on the scene. “I mean it’s probably some low-level bullshit, but I fucking got it. I fucking got it,” exclaimed the disgruntled gamer. Siegel later took to the popular social media site, Twitter, to voice his specific concerns with the game. The tweet has since been removed. Other gamers have also taken to social media in an effort to open a dialogue with the game’s developers about their individual concerns.

UPDATE: At the time of publication, Siegel checked in with our team to report that while still disappointed with the endgame content, he had in fact collected some “pretty dope” legendary gear. “The game is a complete fucking rip-off, that’s for sure,” he stated, now having played approximately 120 hours of The Division over the course of a single week. “I’ll probably go back to playing Elder Scrolls Online until the first expansion drops; so we’ll see. We’ll fucking see.”

About The Author

Director of Original Content

Jake is the result of a drunken, late-night threesome between Egon, Slimer, and Peter. As a result of this, he tends to bust his own ghosts on the regular.

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