When two cats named Lily and Monty recently moved into my apartment, I was worried that my gaming habits might turn them off. As it turns out, my fears were unnecessary: cats LOVE video games. I sat down with the two furries and asked them what their favorite games were. Their answers are sending SHOCKWAVES through the internet.
10. The Ratchet and Clank Series
As we all know, cats love looking at other cats. They especially like staring in the mirror at the cat living on the other side. Turns out Ratchet’s furry orange skin and floppy ears mean most cats just assume he’s one of them. Even though Ratchet is technically some sort of alien marsupial, cats don’t even know the difference! Plus they love watching a tiny creature repeatedly hop from platform to platform for hours on end, probably because they fantasize about swatting it down mid-air and slowly torturing it to death.
9. Dark Souls
Speaking of torture, cats love Dark Souls. It turns out the soul-crushing punishment constantly doled out by the game has almost zero effect on them! Just lost all twelve thousand souls? No problem! Cats are really great at taking a break and clawing at the side of the couch for a couple hours before they take another stab at it. When I asked Monty how many hours he thinks he’s put into Dark Souls, he bit my ankle and climbed into a broken drawer. That’s a lot of hours!
8. Bushido Blade
A Playstation classic, Bushido Blade conjures up fond memories for humans and cats alike. People love it because of its unforgiving realism, large variety of weapons, and beautifully detailed Arenas. Cats love it because the rounds are over so quickly, they can get right back to meowing until someone puts some wet food on top of the dry food in their dish. Win win!
7. Heavy Rain
The recent remaster on Playstation 4 means cats are falling in love with Heavy Rain all over again. The slow-paced story makes it easy to follow, and the Quick Time Events give humans a free hand to rub some serious belly. Careful you don’t go too low, though, or they’ll claw the shit out of you. I asked Monty and Lily whether they had tried David Cage’s latest game, Beyond Two Souls, but they were too busy hiding under the couch and hissing at me.
6. Call of Duty: Black Ops III
Cats are always looking for an excuse to scurry away at fifty MPH knocking over everything in their path, and with the amount of obscenities screamed loudly into headset microphones during a COD match, it’s clear why this one is a feline favorite. Even though Lily finished the single-player in just under six hours, the multiplayer has been keeping her plenty busy! At the time of the interview she had already unlocked a couple of dead crickets and a red-colored paper clip which she was excited to add to her collection under a corner of the rug.
5. The Box Your Playstation Came In
While technically not a ‘game’, The Playstation 4 box has sturdy corners, making it the perfect place for a cat to rub one side of its face. It’s also a great place to sit in, especially when their owner is trying to find the the code for a free month of Playstation Plus which has long-ago been turned into papier-mâché. Plus everything comes individually wrapped, so a pile of small plastic bags is available to shred up and disperse across the apartment.
This one is a no-brainer. With a tiny ball of pixels bouncing back and forth, Pong is the closest thing to heaven your cat will ever experience. Monty knows the ball is inside the television, but hasn’t yet figured out how to get to it. Because all cats are colorblind, the black and white aesthetic of the game makes it easy for them to really focus on the true task at hand: voiding the TV’s warrantee. After ‘playing’ Pong for a couple of hours, Monty left two buried treasures at the bottom of his litter box, waiting to be discovered.
3. Metal Gear Solid
Anyone who has a cat in their life will tell you that cats love nothing more than sneaking up on an unsuspecting soldier, choking them out, and breaking their neck. In Lily’s opinion, the original (non-Nintendo) Metal Gear is chock-full of perfectly-crafted stealth scenarios without all the clutter they added later in the series. When asked, her only gripe was that the jarring sound effect from being discovered had the unfortunate side effect of sending her flying three feet into the air.
2. NBA 2K16
With the latest version of NBA 2K fine-tuning the ball-handling maneuvers, cats everywhere are finding it even easier to dribble a crumpled up piece of notebook paper across the living room floor. While human players reacted negatively to this year’s “Livin’ Da’ Dream” mode, directed by Spike Lee, most cats didn’t give one single fuck. In fact, most of them used the lengthy cut-scenes as a prime opportunity to lick their own buttholes!
It’s no surprise that Destiny is the number one game for most cats. With its air-tight shooting mechanics and addictive loot-drop algorithms, our cats were purring the moment they set foot on Mars. The opportunity to explore a vast universe with loads of content to uncover is attractive for most house pets. Makes sense. After all, they do sit cooped up all day in an incredibly pleasant apartment with plenty of food, water, and sunny spots to lay in, all the while contributing nothing. In fact, as we speak, Monty and Lily are both eagerly awaiting the Destiny April update in a closet they definitely aren’t supposed to be in.