I didn’t really intend to write about Pokémon Go today. The game’s (still!) not out here in the UK (just a few more days…) so this is basically just taunting myself. But it turns out there is literally no gaming news that isn’t Pokémon Go news. By the end of the week Existential Gamer will probably just be a Pokémon Go fan site, and not long after the whole gaming industry will exist to prop up the Go singularity.

So what’s Go-ing on? Well, Nintendo’s stock jumped 25% in just one day today, and since its launch last week the game has boosted Nintendo’s market value by $9 billion. That is, according to our calculations, a metric butt-load of Pokécoins.

That’s because it’s crazy, stupid popular. Apparently it’s already installed on 5% of all Android devices in the U.S. — making it more than twice as popular as Tinder, because who needs a date when you’ve got a Meowth to catch? Even the professional bigots at the Westboro Baptist Church are getting in on it, as they’re taking on a “sodomite” Clefairy named LoveIsLove that’s taken residence in their church.

We’ve already argued that someone is clearly going to die playing the game, and it’s going to be soon. Since armed gangs are already using the game to lure in unsuspecting victims for robberies and people are arguing the game is a death sentence for black men, it’s even clearer that the Poképocalypse is upon us. Still, at least devs Niantic have confirmed trading is on the way, so it’s all going to be OK.

About The Author

Executive Editor

Dom thinks too much, acts too little, and probably needs to get out more, to be honest. He writes about games, films, and life and stuff.

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