After today’s… how shall I put this delicately… unceremonious? Sure. Unceremoniously fucking boring Playstation press conference, all of us are probably asking ourselves the big questions: what is the meaning of my existence on earth? Is happiness an illusion? What happens after death? Is the self a construct? Should I buy a Playstation 4 Pro on the 10th of November? All of these are beside the point. The real question: is the Playstation 4 Pro just a Big Mac wearing suit? Look at it. 3 shiny black plastic buns. Some form of blue meat sandwiched between them, glowing. I’m pretty sure that’s just a Big Mac in a cheap Men’s Warehouse 2-piece. Can somebody Photoshop a fedora onto it? After watching the conference I’m feeling a little too drowsy to do it myself.

If it is in fact a console, then here are the details you’ve come for: It will cost USD$399. It will allow you to game in HDR (high dynamic range) and 4K. Confusingly, and unlike the XBox One S, it won’t play 4K Blu-ray discs. The processor is um… faster. And the graphics processor is twice as powerful. This should make shit look good. New shit like Mass Effect Andromeda and Horizon Zero Dawn, but also shit that’s already out and will be patched, like Deus Ex: Mankind Divided and Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End. It will have a 1TB hard-drive (twice the size of the current PS4’s). Sony is being shady about whether or not the games themselves will be rendered in 4K, but they will certainly either be upscaled or at least run more smoothly / at a higher resolution than the current PS4 titles. So what if you don’t have a 4K television? Well don’t worry, the PS4 Pro will still make your shit look better. Apparently it’s going to detect what your TV is capable of, and choose the correct settings automatically. What could go wrong?

WELCOME TO THE NEW WORLD! WITH ALL THE CONFUSION OF GAMING ON A PERSONAL COMPUTER JAMMED INTO A BIG MAC WEARING A SUIT! IT’S A BIG MAC WEARING A FUCKING SUIT AND NOBODY WILL CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

Video below of the conference, as well as 4K gameplay footage from a couple of titles.

PS: There was a Playstation 4 Slim announcement too. The console will run you 300 bucks and is probably just a Whopper in a suit. That’s out next week I guess.