London, UK – the British people have declared 1991 puzzle-game Lemmings their official national past-time in a poll that has sent shockwaves across the international community. More than 52% of the electorate voted in favour of DNA’s PC classic, seeing off stiff competition from eating curry, watching football, and throwing up a keg’s worth of Fosters in the gutter outside Walkabout on a Saturday night.

Lemmings, in which players use their wits to prevent an army of the eponymous green-haired cartoon animals from walking off cliffs into certain death, was the first title in one of the most lucrative British videogame franchises of the era. Pollsters believe that many voters had little first-hand experience of the game, voting instead to send a message to England’s soccer team after their lacklustre performance in the Euro 2016 tournament currently underway in France. “I heard we were spending £300 million a week training this useless team. Now I may never have met a professional footballer and be as thick as two planks, but I know what I know and that’s good enough for me,” said Ted Wolf, a pensioner from the industrial east midlands. “That’s money that could have been spent on the National Health Service, keeping me alive for a few more months to watch the world of professional sport collapse around me as rioters flow like honey-wine through the streets.”

“Lemmings is a celebration of the industrious spirit that made us the greatest nation in the world.”  

In an exclusive interview London’s former Mayor Boris Johnson, who led the campaign to see the game declared Britain’s favourite past-time, told Existential Gamer that “Lemmings is a celebration of the industrious spirit that made us the greatest nation in the world. It’s an advertisement for proper British jobs: building, floating, digging, and most importantly of all – making all the other lemmings arbitrarily change direction and go back the way they came, as if walking into back into an idyllic past before international collaboration, tariff free trade, and the unstoppable rise of Islam.”

Outraged campaigners can click here to sign a petition to repel the referendum and return football to its rightful place.

About The Author

Vassili Christodoulou sucks the marrow from the bones of imaginary places so that you don't have to. Find him at trolling his favourite authors @CounterfeitSF and lurking as @Vas_C.

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