The editors asked me to write a ‘best of 2016’ list, but between putting food into my baby’s mouth and dealing with the other end of that process I haven’t had much time for games. Why did they even give me this gig? You have to question the hiring policy.

Instead, here are all the games I haven’t played, giving you, dear reader, the chance to make my Christmas.

Warhammer 40,000: Inquisitor – Martyr

This title from Neocore games looks like Diablo, only set in the skullfuture (in German: der Totenkopfzukunft), and has both a colon and an en-dash in the name. As well as pushing my big red Warhammer button it hammers a few other Tim-controls, including destructible scenery, procedural dungeons, and a hypergothic version of MGS:V’s base invasions.

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Stasis

An isometric horror RPG from 2015 that passed me by in the grand 2016 clusterfuck, Stasis comes with a very high recommendation – it’s a game that my mate Dave has actually completed. Dave is this worryingly competent academic who studies serial killers and cannibals because he’s metal like that, and has very little time to actually do anything but his terrifying job. So for him to take the time to actually play a game through to completion shows that it is both a really solid game and, probably, shit-yourself-scary.

Song of Saya

I don’t really, really want this 2009 visual horror novel. I mean, I kind of want it. It appeared on Extra Credit’s Games You Really Might Not Have Tried horror special and they didn’t actually describe it but it sounded… kind of cool? Maybe? Kotaku calls it “the single most fucked up game ever released” and that’s pretty much good enough for me. I once almost watched Hostel while it was on in the same room as I was.

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Berserk and the Band of the Hawk

A mashup of gothic fantasy manga Berserk with deliriously camp macrobrawler series Dynasty Warriors, Berserk and the Band of the Hawk is also the focus of another epic battle – over the review code that Outermode will hopefully get. It’s not likely that a small indie opinion site will get more than one code from Berserk’s publicist, and editor Dominic is also keen to review it. While Dominic is a big fan of the manga I absolutely caned Dynasty Warriors 3 back in the PS2 days, so we’re in a judgment of Solomon situation with two equally earnest plaintiffs. Berserk and the Band of the Hawk is our baby and if we can’t work this out it’s going to be cut in half. Which is on-point for the brand, at least.

Buy me a PS4

Console peasants have all the fun. Like… Bloodborne, The Last of Us, Boy Band Simulator XV, and better imports from Japan fun. And the rest of the staff at Outermode are on PSN so I can’t play Titanfall 2 with them. Imagine all the clever opinions I would have about The Last Guardian, if only I could play it. 1440p 60fps just doesn’t keep me warm at night. Buy me a PS4. A PS4 Pro. I have some standards.

Then get me all these console exclusives

Bloodborne (and DLC, obvs), The Last of Us Remastered, Shadow of the Colossus Remastered, Catherine, Tokyo Jungle, Destiny, those Uncharted games I’ve heard good stuff about, and something fruity and Japanese. Not one of the porny ones though.

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Fix my sodding internet

I drilled holes in the wall of my cave office to run antennae cables into the hall to get them closer to the precious WiFi juice. I purged my computer’s antivirus (fuck McAfee) in case it was playing silly sods with the firewall. I called up my ISP Plusnet and was mildly peeved at the operator, which is as close as an Englishman can get to white hot rage. I downloaded an Android app to analyze the wireless channels in my house so I could minimise interference. All to no avail. Apparently our internet is just crap.

Hire me a babysitter

Do you know how much care an actual baby actually needs? You can’t just leave them to entertain themselves with a DVD box set of House and a hot thermos while you improve your speedrun time in Sonic The Hedgehog 2 Emerald Hill Zone, I’ll tell you that much. As well as being the worst actual year in world politics I can remember it’s also been rubbish for playing videogames. I’ve got games from 2015 still to complete. I haven’t even gotten to Skellige in The Witcher 3 yet and I’m given to understand that Gerald does sex with more witch ladies and probably saves the world, which would ordinarily make me crack right on with that one. I haven’t touched Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain since February and I’m absolutely chomping to find out what that whale made of fire got up to next. But no luck. Apparently if you don’t feed and hose down your baby regularly they take them away from you, and it was a right faff to get this one. Hire me a babysitter wouldn’t you?